Vulva Owners — How to Have Pain-Free Sex: Tips for Comfort and Enjoyment

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, not feel like a punishment from the universe. Yet, for a lot of vulva owners, pain during sex is way too common—like, 75% of women have reported experiencing it at some point. That’s a big yikes.

If sex has ever felt more like an endurance test than a pleasurable experience, you’re not alone. The good news? You don’t have to just grin and bear it. There are real, actionable ways to make sex more comfortable (and, you know, fun). Let’s dive into it.

1. Communicate Like Your Pleasure Depends on It (Because It Does!)

First things first—if something hurts, say something. Sometimes we forget that our partner isn’t a mind reader, and suffering in silence is not a solution. Let them know what’s uncomfortable, what feels good, and what adjustments might help. Awkward? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely. Open communication makes for better sex, period.

2. Lube Is Your Best Friend

If you’re dealing with dryness (thanks, hormones, stress, or just life), lube can be a game-changer. A good water-based or silicone-based lubricant reduces friction and makes everything smoother. And no, needing lube doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you—it just means you’re smart enough to use a tool that makes sex more enjoyable. So lube it up!

3. Switch Up the Positions

Not all sex positions are created equal, especially when it comes to comfort. If certain angles feel like someone is trying to rearrange your organs, experiment with new positions. Maybe try ones where you have more control over depth and movement—like being on top—can make a huge difference. Spoon position is another great one if you need something a little more gentle.

4. Don’t Skimp on Foreplay

If your partner treats foreplay like an optional appetizer instead of a necessary main course, we have a problem. Rushing into penetration without enough warm-up can make things way more painful than they need to be. Foreplay increases blood flow, enhances natural lubrication, and honestly just makes sex better. So, slow it down and enjoy the process.

5. Pay Attention to Your Body (and Your Health)

Sometimes, pain during sex isn’t just about technique—it can be linked to medical conditions like endometriosis, pelvic floor dysfunction, or hormonal changes (hello, menopause). If pain is persistent, it’s time to talk to a doctor. Your pleasure is just as important as your health, and the two are often connected.

6. Relax and Breathe

Ever noticed that when you’re stressed, your whole body tenses up? That includes your pelvic floor muscles. If sex is painful, take a deep breath (or several) and consciously relax your muscles. A little mindfulness and relaxation can go a long way in making sex more comfortable.

7. Consider Pelvic Floor Therapy

If your pelvic floor muscles are too tight, they can make penetration painful. A pelvic floor therapist can help you learn how to relax and strengthen these muscles in a way that makes sex easier and more pleasurable. And no, this isn’t just for people who’ve had kids—anyone can benefit from it.

8. Try Vaginal Dilators or Toys

For those experiencing pain due to tightness or conditions like vaginismus, vaginal dilators can help gradually stretch and relax the vaginal muscles. These shouldn’t cause any pain if done slowly and gently, but I always recommend consulting with a doctor or pelvic floor therapist before using. This will give you more support if needed.

And if you’re feeling adventurous, a well-chosen sex toy can also help you explore what feels good in a way that’s pressure-free.

9. Seek Professional Help

If pain during sex isn’t improving despite trying these tips, seeing a specialist—whether that’s a gynecologist, sex therapist, or pelvic floor therapist—can be a game-changer. There’s no shame in getting help. In fact, advocating for your pleasure is one of the most empowering things you can do.

Final Thoughts

Sex should be fun, intimate, and pleasurable—not something you dread. If pain is stealing your enjoyment, don’t ignore it. Whether it’s lube, communication, different positions, or professional help, there are ways to make sex better and pain-free. You deserve to feel good!

You got this!

-Taylor