Why Do I Keep Attracting the Wrong Partners?

It’s a painful and often baffling experience: You find yourself in relationship after relationship with people who seem to be just wrong for you. Despite your best efforts, the partners you attract don’t seem to meet your needs, don’t treat you the way you deserve, or, in some cases, don’t even match what you’re really looking for. If this sounds familiar, you might be asking yourself, “Why do I keep attracting the wrong partners?”

Here’s the truth — if you keep attracting people who aren’t right for you, it’s not just a case of bad luck. More than likely there are deeper reasons behind it, and understanding these reasons is the first step in breaking the cycle and attracting a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Below are a few reasons why you might be attracting the wrong partners and how to change the pattern for good.

1. Unresolved Emotional Wounds and Past Trauma

One of the most significant factors in why you may be attracting the wrong partners is unresolved emotional wounds from past relationships, particularly from your childhood. Whether you’ve experienced emotional manipulation, neglect, betrayal, or rejection, those past experiences can shape the way you approach relationships today.

Here’s an example: If you’ve been hurt in the past, especially from people who are supposed to care about you, you might unconsciously be drawn to people who replicate that same dynamic because it’s what feels familiar (it feels like home). Familiarity often feels more comfortable than facing the unknown, even if that familiarity is toxic or painful. This might mean that you’re repeatedly choosing partners who are emotionally abusive, unavailable, or distant simply because it’s what your subconscious mind recognizes as "normal." This could also mean that when people are nice, comforting, and caring, your subconscious mind could flag this as dangerous because it’s “not normal”.

Healing from past trauma is essential in breaking this cycle. By acknowledging and processing your past hurts—perhaps through therapy or self-reflection—you can begin to shift your emotional patterns and become more conscious of the types of relationships you’re attracting. Healing allows you to stop seeking out relationships that mirror old pain and instead opens the door to healthier connections.

2. Low Self-Worth and Insecurity

If you have low self-esteem or struggle with feelings of inadequacy, you may unknowingly attract partners who mirror those insecurities. When you don’t feel good enough for love or think you don’t deserve a healthy, respectful relationship, you might end up choosing partners who reinforce those beliefs. These could be people who treat you poorly, don’t respect your boundaries, or fail to meet your emotional needs.

Alternatively, if you don’t believe in your own value, you may settle for relationships that offer little to no emotional fulfillment because you believe that’s the best you can do. This behavior is often a result of self-doubt and a lack of self-worth.

To break this cycle, it’s important to build up your sense of self-worth. Start by practicing self-love, setting boundaries, and recognizing the value you bring to any relationship. The more you value yourself, the more likely you’ll be to attract a partner who treats you with the same level of respect and care.

3. Unclear Boundaries

If you have unclear or weak boundaries, you may find yourself attracting partners who cross those boundaries without hesitation. I am a HUGE advocate for setting and holding boundaries in order to teach others how to treat you, as well as keeping yourself safe. Boundaries are essential in maintaining healthy relationships, as they define what is and isn’t acceptable in a partnership. If you don’t clearly communicate your boundaries—or worse, when you let them slide—you open yourself up to relationships where your needs and limits aren’t respected.

Here’s an example: If you’re afraid of confrontation or disappointing others, you may allow a partner to push past your boundaries in order to keep the peace, even if it comes at the expense of your own well-being. Alternatively, if you’re overly accommodating, you may attract people who take advantage of your kindness and generosity.

To stop attracting partners who disregard your boundaries, start by getting clear on your values and what you need from a relationship. Learn how to assert yourself with confidence, communicate your boundaries, and stick to them. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, and strong boundaries are the foundation of that respect.

4. You’re Seeking Love for the Wrong Reasons

If you’re seeking love out of loneliness, desperation, or a need to "fix" or "save" someone, you may inadvertently attract partners who are not healthy or well-suited to you. Many people, especially those who have grown up feeling neglected or emotionally abandoned, enter relationships seeking validation or the sense of worth that they have not developed within themselves. This can lead to unhealthy dynamics where you’re more focused on “filling the void” rather than finding a partner who shares your values and desires.

In these cases, you might end up attracted to someone who needs saving, is emotionally unavailable, or is simply in the relationship for the wrong reasons. While it’s natural to desire connection, it’s important to remember that you should be seeking a partner who complements your life, not someone who will “complete” you or solve your personal problems. It’s way more empowering to WANT someone in your life, rather than NEEDING them in it to be happy.

Take time to focus on yourself and address any unmet needs. Cultivate your own happiness, self-worth, and emotional stability, so that when the right person comes along, you’re attracting them from a place of wholeness, not desperation.

5. You’re Repeating Familiar Patterns

Sometimes, people unknowingly repeat patterns of behavior from past relationships. This could mean that you find yourself drawn to the same type of person (even if that person isn’t good for you), or it could mean that you repeat the same mistakes—such as ignoring red flags or tolerating unhealthy behavior.

Here’s an example: You grew up in an environment where arguments were frequent, or where emotional distance was the norm. As a result, you might unconsciously recreate these patterns in adulthood because they are what you know.

Breaking these patterns requires conscious self-reflection and a willingness to change your behavior. Examine your past relationships and identify common themes:

Are you repeatedly attracted to emotionally unavailable partners?

Do you often settle for people who don’t treat you well?

The first step is recognizing the pattern, and the second is committing to break it.

6. Lack of Emotional Availability

Sometimes, when you’re not emotionally available yourself, you’ll attract partners who are equally closed off or emotionally distant. This can be due to fear of vulnerability, emotional trauma, or simply not being ready for a deep emotional connection.

If you’re not truly in touch with your own feelings, or if you’re avoiding emotional intimacy because it feels uncomfortable, you may find yourself in relationships that stay on the surface level or don’t allow for true emotional connection. This might lead you to attract partners who are also emotionally unavailable, creating a cycle of shallow, unsatisfying relationships.

To break this cycle, start by getting in touch with your own emotions. Practice being open with yourself about what you want and need from a relationship, and take the time to explore your emotional life. When you become emotionally available to yourself, you’ll naturally start attracting partners who are open and willing to share a deep emotional connection with you.

7. You’re Not Sure What You Want

If you’re unclear about what you truly want in a partner or relationship, you might end up attracting people who don’t align with your values, needs, or long-term goals. Sometimes, when you’re unsure about what you want from a relationship, you end up settling for someone who isn’t a good match, simply because they’re available or convenient.

Take the time to get clear on your values and what you want out of a relationship. Write down your non-negotiables (like mutual respect, trust, emotional availability), as well as the qualities you seek in a partner. By having a clear vision of what you want, you’ll be more likely to attract someone who matches your desires.

Final Thoughts

If you keep attracting the wrong partners, it’s likely not a matter of bad luck—it’s a reflection of deeper, often subconscious, patterns. By understanding the reasons behind why you’re attracting unhealthy relationships, you can start to heal old wounds, set better boundaries, and make more intentional choices moving forward.

Remember, the key to attracting the right partner lies in understanding yourself better. When you become more self-aware and emotionally healthy, you’ll be in a better position to attract the kind of love and partnership that supports your happiness, growth, and well-being.

You got this!

-Taylor